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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27610874">The Thing you Want</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaCanzo/pseuds/AmandaCanzo'>AmandaCanzo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>15x19 coda, Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Grief, Happy Ending, M/M, sad!dean</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:47:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,572</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27610874</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaCanzo/pseuds/AmandaCanzo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean knows he should get up off the cold floor, but he can’t move. It’s like he’s frozen. Stuck staring at the spot where...</p>
<p>
  <i>You changed me, Dean.</i>
</p>
<p>He knows the phone is still buzzing away next to him—Sam calling him repeatedly, possibly thinking the worst—but Dean can’t even think to answer it. What would he even say? </p>
<p>Cas is <i>gone</i>. Pulled into the Empty forever, never to return again. He can’t get the image of Cas’ face out of his head. How happy he was. Just to tell Dean that he...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Thing you Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I can't believe we only have one episode left!!<br/>I needed to fix 18 and 19 before 20 came along... it's the first time I've posted in quite some time so I hope ya'll like it!</p>
<p>MUCH thanks to MandalaRose who has (maybe unwillingly) become my beta for this and my alpha for another story I'm working on.</p>
<p>:)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean knows he should get up off the cold floor, but he can’t move. It’s like he’s frozen. Stuck staring at the spot where...</p>
<p>
  <em>You changed me, Dean.</em>
</p>
<p>He knows the phone is still buzzing away next to him—Sam calling him repeatedly, possibly thinking the worst—but Dean can’t even think to answer it. What would he even say?</p>
<p>Cas is <em>gone</em>. Pulled into the Empty forever, never to return again. He can’t get the image of Cas’ face out of his head. How happy he was. Just to tell Dean that he...</p>
<p>The phone stops buzzing, only to start up again a second later. Dean sniffles, reaching over to pick up his phone finally.</p>
<p>“Dean?! Finally! I’ve been calling for twenty minutes!” Sam says quickly into the phone. He’s been sitting here for twenty minutes, staring where Cas once stood. “Dean?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Sammy?” Dean croaks. How is it possible for his voice to sound that bad already?</p>
<p>“We need you to come, everyone...they’re all gone Dean. The sigils didn’t work. All the people...they’re all gone,” Sam says and Dean can hear his brother sniffling, clearly upset.</p>
<p>“Okay,” is all Dean says, hanging up the phone and finally standing. His legs hurt from being on the cold concrete floor for so long. He can’t stop crying. His tears are mostly silent now, but they won’t stop.</p>
<p>Getting in the Impala, Dean wipes at his face. He needs to be able to drive after all. The roads are empty as he drives and for a moment Dean wonders if Sam meant that everyone on Earth was gone too. But if that was the case why wouldn’t Chuck have taken them as well? Dean almost wishes for it at this point. Take him away from the pain he’s feeling, the loss of Cas.</p>
<p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p>
<p>Just like that Dean is sobbing again. He should pull over, the last thing he needs is to crash the Impala but he also knows Sam and Jack need him, so he keeps driving, occasionally reaching up to wipe away his tears. He stops about two miles away from where Sam had texted to meet him.</p>
<p>He needs to push it all down. He can’t be a mess right now, not when he needs to help save other people. He grabs a handful of napkins from the glovebox to wipe at his face. They need to figure out how to kill Chuck and then Dean will focus on how the hell to get Cas back from the Empty.</p>
<p>Cleaned up as well as he can be from old take out napkins, Dean keeps driving pulling up across from where Sam and Jack stand.</p>
<p>“Everyone’s gone, why would...why would Billie take everyone?” Sam asks in disbelief.</p>
<p>“It wasn’t Billie, it was Chuck. Billie was dying from the slice I gave her from her scythe.”</p>
<p>“Dean, where’s Cas?” Jack asks, staring at the Impala as if any second now Cas will climb out of the passenger side.</p>
<p>Almost immediately, Dean feels like he’s going to start crying again, but he stuffs it down, clearing his throat. “He saved me. Billie was coming after us...and he summoned the Empty. It took out Billie...and it took Cas too. He’s gone.”</p>
<p>Dean doesn’t mention the fact he’s gone because of a deal he made to save Jack, he doesn’t want to put that burden on the kid. This isn’t Jack’s fault. Cas did what he did to save the people he loved, Dean knows that, even if it hurts like hell.</p>
<p>Two dick archangels, a fake spell, and a powered-up nephalim later, they manage to defeat Chuck, the world is returned and then....Jack is God.</p>
<p>But then he’s gone, and didn’t even mention anything about Castiel, which Dean finds to be odd. Why wouldn’t Jack bring back his own dad? Well...his chosen dad.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t he bring back Cas?” Dean asks Sam as they drive back to the bunker.</p>
<p>“God can't control the Empty, remember?”</p>
<p>“But...Chuck got Lucifer out,” Dean points out. He wants to cry again, the thought of never seeing Cas finally sinking in. If not even Jack could get him out...what chance does Dean have? “So...he’s just...gone forever,” Dean mutters.</p>
<p>“How did Cas end up summoning the Empty anyways? Did you guys find a spell?” Sam asks, looking over at Dean.</p>
<p>Dean shakes his head but he can’t speak. If he does, he’s going to fall apart again. “I..I can’t talk about it, Sam. Not right now.” Dean knows Sam is looking at him, wanting him to speak about it. But Dean can’t. “I’ll fall apart if I do,” Dean adds, and he feels Sam look away. Dean thinks he gets it.</p>
<p>A big part of Dean hopes they will reach the bunker and Cas will just be there waiting for him, waiting for them to come back and everything will be good again...but as they walk into the bunker, Dean can feel the silence.</p>
<p>Sam heads into his room, probably to call Eileen, while Dean grabs a bottle of whiskey and a knife, sitting down where they had carved their initials into the table. Cas should have done this so long ago, but now he’s gone and not even Jack can get him back.</p>
<p>Carefully and slowly, Dean carves in Castiel and Jack, occasionally taking sips of the whiskey. Once that’s done, Dean stands and whiskey bottle in-hand, heads back into the dungeon.</p>
<p>He’s not sure why he’s coming in here, just to torture himself maybe...but it’s the last place Cas was. He has no body to burn, no trenchcoat to hang onto. Just his green jacket with Cas’ bloody red handprint.</p>
<p>“Cas...” Dean starts, unsure of what to say next. Can Cas even hear him in the Empty? Dean doesn’t think he can...which means Cas will never know how Dean feels. Dean will never be able to hold Cas’ hand or to kiss him.</p>
<p>Dean sinks to his knees against the wall, starting to sob again. This isn’t fair. Dean should have said something—should have done something—but deep down he always thought they would have more time together. That all of this would finally be over and Dean could retire with Cas somewhere warm. He thought they would have more time.</p>
<p>“Cas...I don’t even know if you can hear me. I should have.. I should have told you before. You can have what you want,” Dean says as he sobs. “I love you. I love you. I should have...I’m so sorry, Cas.”</p>
<p>Hours later, long after the whiskey is gone, Dean gets up and heads into his room. He frowns when he sees a lump in his bed. Why is Sam sleeping in his bed?</p>
<p>Dean goes to wake up Sam, kick him to his own room, only...it’s not Sam.</p>
<p>Dean takes in the rumpled trenchcoat, and Cas’ black hair, the Sunday-best oxfords Dean thought he would never see again.</p>
<p>“Cas!” Dean shouts, shaking the angel’s shoulder. He has no idea why or how Cas is in his bed but he’s definitely not complaining.</p>
<p>Cas groans, sitting up. “Hello, Dean,” he says with a small smile. Dean lets out a laugh, throwing his arms around Cas.</p>
<p>“How? Cas, how are you here?” Dean asks in disbelief.</p>
<p>“Jack, he came into the empty and got me. But my grace is gone now. He didn’t want me to end up there ever again.”</p>
<p>“You’re...human?” Dean asks softly. Cas nods with a smile.</p>
<p>“I am,” he confirms. “I’m sorry I fell asleep in your bed. I was just so tired. I can go now, if you want to sleep.”</p>
<p>“Like hell you’re going anywhere! Cas..what you said to me...”</p>
<p>“I know. I’m sorry, we don’t have to discuss it. We can pretend it never happened,” Cas promises, standing up.</p>
<p>“No!” Dean shouts, pulling Cas back down. “I love you, Cas. I should have told you, you can have what you want. You can have me.”</p>
<p>“I...what? You...Dean...” Cas stutters, lost for words.</p>
<p>Dean nods, leaning forward and finally kissing Cas for the first time. It’s everything Dean always imagined it would be.</p>
<p>“I love you, Cas. I have for...longer than I can remember. I should have told you. I just...I always thought we would have more time.”</p>
<p>“Me too, Dean. And then...when I made that deal, I knew I could never tell you. I never wanted to leave you. I’m sorry that I did.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. You’re here now and you’re not gonna go anywhere.”</p>
<p>Cas shakes his head with a smile. “No, I’m yours for as long as you want me, Dean.”</p>
<p>Dean smiles back, leaning forward and kissing him again. “Forever then.”</p>
<p>Dean pulls Cas down, laying down with him to kiss again over and over.</p>
<p>“What do we do now?” Cas asks.</p>
<p>“Whatever we want, God is gone. I was thinking...maybe take a trip. You, me, Sam and Elieen. Go to a beach. Just forget about hunting and monsters. Just...relax for once in our lives, you know?”</p>
<p>“Sounds like a plan then,” Cas agrees with a yawn. They can work it out tomorrow. For now, Dean is gonna kiss Cas some more and fall asleep with his now human angel and for once, be completely happy and content.</p>
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